Michael Fontes - An Elementary Guide to Win Co Fo

Clear as Mud

The teams wear different coloured jerseys and the object of the game is to kick the ball (an ordinary soccer ball) over the end. Try to work out which team is kicking in which direction. This ought not to be difficult unless the players are very incompetent; back passing is allowed but unusual. As in soccer, games have two halves of equal length. In the top games the teams just change ends at half time; they don't break for oranges and encouragement. In the ordinary games the boys stop for a few minutes at halftime to get their breath back, chat to their girlfriends, or fish errant balls out of the river.

Teams may consist of 15,12,10,9, or 6 players. In the first half of the term games are usually 15 - 10 a-side; the 6 a-side version is usually played in the second half of term only - don't ask me why; for reasons historically connected with Boat Club, I expect. Try to work out how many boys there are in each colour: WARNING some teams sometimes have certain players in blue shirts even though the rest of the team may be, for instance, in white - these are the goalkeeper-equivalents; they will probably be at the back of their respective sides.  You ought to be able to tell which team they are playing for by seeing in which direction they usually face.

The game has a language of its own. Try to position yourself near someone who is using this language pretty freely and never forget that he's most unlikely to know what he's talking about; just enjoy what he says as a linguistic exoticism, as you might a wild flower. I shall use the vocabulary of the game progressively and then only for the sake of brevity.

If it's very muddy remember that the mud comes flying through the netting at the side. Spectators often become covered in mud for they can approach very close to the play. This is half the fun of watching a muddy game, but you might like to be mentally and sartorially prepared.

After watching for a few minutes try saying to yourself 'how did this game evolve?' The aim is very simple, to boot the ball over the end. The rules are complicated because they evolved to make achievement of this simple aim intriguingly difficult; each rule was made in response to a perceived need. People who try to learn the rules without learning why each rule was made set themselves a daunting and tedious task. I am going to try to teach you the important rules by explaining why the boys felt they needed them.

Next week - the scoring system

The Scoring System

(you won't enjoy watching unless you understand the scoring system, so here goes - hold on to your hats, boys):

When one side succeeds in getting the ball to go over the other side's goal line and the ref doesn't blow for a foul, the one side has probably scored. If it goes over cleanly (out of the scrum, not touched by a defender, in the middle rather than between the netting and the post holding the ropes) a goal is scored. Goals are worth three points.

If it doesn't go over cleanly a behind is scored. A behind is worth one point.

Behinds can be converted. The conversion is worth a further two points.

So remember, three sorts of score: goal (3), behind (1), conversion (2). A converted behind is worth the same as a goal.

Question: How can I tell a goal from a behind without listening to the boy next to me, who might be wrong?

Answer: By what happens next: if a goal is scored the side which conceded all go off up the field and their goalkeeper-equivalent punts it up the field from behind them. If a behind is scored everyone (on both teams) goes behind the defending side's goal line, except for two or three (the goalkeeper-equivalents) of the attacking side; the goalkeeper-equivalent of the defending side kicks the ball out and the two or three of the attacking side try to kick it back cleanly over the end. If they succeed they have converted the behind, and the game restarts as it would after a goal.

Alternative answer: you can usually tell a goal from a behind by the degree of jubilation demonstrated by the supporters of the attacking side (in the big games they will probably be wearing war-paint in the colours of their side). A goal is a top score and provokes much elation - beating of drums and trumpeting, as in a Handel Coronation Anthem. A behind will be greeted with tension, people wondering if it will be converted. If it is converted then that is the best outcome for the attacking side and so more trumpeting is in order).

If the behind is not converted that is a disappointment for the attacking side, so expect jeers from supporters of the defending side. There is no score and the game continues normally.

Next week- Positions on the pitch